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:: Tuesday, March 2, 2004 ::

weird junk mail. but junk mail from the dalai lama can't be that...junky, right? i don't know. i don't fuck with the lama. if he says it, it's completely and totally correct. we americans have nothing to say that can top the lama. we have no culture. we eat burgers and jog the mall, even when it's sunny out. we wear sweatsuits for the elasticity of the waistband. we take our loved ones to Shoney's after church, and stare vacantly at them for decades. we squint into the fog of the future, and think the lama is cool, because he seems to have a pair of glasses.

actually, i think he does.

so, anyway, this was forwarded to me today, sandwiched between penis enlargement e-mails, and something about group sex with a dog. enjoy, and please send me my very pleasant surprise:

This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, which began 01/01/2003. All it takes is a few seconds to read and think about. Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious. Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
(what do you think i'm doing out here, lama? sittin' on the couch watching golf?)
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
(that's a michael jordan quote: quit stealing wisdom from mumbly basketball players.)
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
(you know? aretha said it better, and she doesn't send me junk mail.)
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
(i never understand things like that. i find it hard to pat myself on the back for lack of self knowledge, inability to actualize, and THEN having good fortune to step into something better. it seems undeserved. although i hate to crap on being in a better place than the one I thought of, so i'll shut up. preach, lama.)
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
(is proper rule breakage technically "breakage" at all, or am i just being a dick? both, probably.)
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
(the hidden lesson of "goodfellas")
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
(except if you're playing music. if you make a mistake, go to the nearest half step, and you're most likely in key. and then either repeat it a few times so it sounds like you meant it, or forget it ever happened, because you'll only make another.)
8. Spend some time alone every day.
(on stage?)
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
(this is why i switched to the Mach 3. that, and because i left my Sensor in a Comfort Inn bathroom.)
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
(oh. right. damn.)
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
(shh. i'm still on 10)
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
(new TV show: "lama - eye for the straight guy who's never home")
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
(lama just earned his robes with that one. he's definitely not Sicilian)
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
(how about every damn day)
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
(yeah. takes money. and a car. but i'm with you.)
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
(jesus h christ. i'm the most successful person i know)
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
(you bad lama, you. mix the two, and boo yah. she'll call back. oh yes she will. she'll have you next to 'fire dept' and 'mom' on the speed dial)

Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise (this is true even if you are not superstitious) if you send it to:
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 people and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape

:: mike 9:04 AM [+] ::

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